Monday, May 4, 2015

Staring at the mess I made...

Just like the wires and cables we use in our daily lives, we have made life more complicated than how it should be and what it should be about...

Okay. It's unfair to take a three-year hiatus and come out of nowhere posting a really bad photo of tangled cables, late at night, and make a life philosophy out of it, unjustified. Even more so when turned 30 - the BIG 3-0 - without posting shit about it??? Hear me out. I assure you this is totally related.

I have been in a mess. I'M a mess My head had been in a rut I feel I could never get out of. My soul had been in a place so dark I feel like ending my life would be the best solution to the problems other people are facing as a result of my actions, my mistakes.

Only, such suicidal episodes did not get as worse as they were during the depressive, self-searching, teenage years, when such thoughts were put into action. (I've attempted suicide three times in my life, when I was 15, at an age I can't remember, and the last attempt - probably the worst too - when I was 18). I'm not sure what problems I was facing that made it so unbearable I had to take my own life). I have been in and out of relationships more times than I should because in the end, I learned that inadequacy within yourself can't be replaced nor satisfied by finding that need to complete it in something or someone else... That's why religion - though helpful in shaping my thoughts and perspective on life - didn't work on me in the long run. But we can talk about that in another post.:)

The point is. I'm a mess. I can't seem to sort things out well. I can't hold it together very well. And it sucks. It sucks because I spend too much time just thinking about things. Over-thinking about things. Do you know how many draft posts I have in my blog list? Each of them unfinished. I'm always thinking about wanting to do things but end up never actually doing them. Bodo kan.

But as much as I know that I have it in me to make things happen, to do and complete what I set out to do, I can't seem to stop the habit. I just drown in my pessimism and stress myself out just thinking about the 'what if's'... In all the bad ways instead of the good... I often ask myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself, Amy..." Because I know I'm only killing myself gradually inside and out.

It wasn't until after a really, terribly, bad week a couple of weeks ago, that I find myself picking up the good vibes, pieces by pieces, and now here I am, at this happy place. :D

I'm not saying this out of pride because that would be unwarranted for... I still have a long way to go, and Glob knows what may come my way along the unknown number of years or even hours of my life left...I know myself enough to expect to still have PMS days where nothing in the world is right and everything decides to fall apart at that exact week you're having your monthly visitor come to make your life more complicated than it already is.

But I think that's what life is made of... Moments... Throughout the years, I've somehow developed a thing for giving attention to the little details in life; moments that either make or break you as well as moments that may have been insignificant but could mean the world, that all add up to make us who we are and what we believe in... Moments during our childhood that stick with us for decades of age - the things I saw growing up in an alcoholic and abusive home; moments during our teenage years - where frustrations as results of rejection and yearnings of acceptance were at its peak; moments in the earlier transitional years of our youth into adulthood, defining moments, which for me was definitely becoming a mother, when I gave birth to Micah in 2009. I was 24.

That was also the year I officially graduated with a Degree in Mass Communication, Hons. majoring in Public Relations (aisehhhhhh,.. kasi chan ba tambirang sikit. Jarang man. Although, ALTHOUGH, it is highly debatable whether educational achievements are better than other achievements in life which could be very subjective. Let's save that for another post).

That was also the year I got married. No, nothing 'awww-worthy'...It was to a guy I met and got pregnant by, during a singing gig I did in a nightclub in Bintulu - something I did out of whims and fancy if I may say so. Nah, not the scantily-dressed, thick make-up, tower-high stilettos or platforms, kind of singer. Though I felt my band-mates did try to make me dress like until they gave up because I kept on with my "rights" to appear however I feel comfortable  - which could sometimes mean a sweater over sleeveless tops, paired with cargo pants and sneakers. Bahahahaha! Bida la ba kan kalau ingat balik. Bintulu episode, in another post. :) Oh and that guy? We went on to survive five years of marriage and had two adorable boys. We are now separated in the process of legally dissolving our marriage. Don't worry. I've picked myself out of that one too... :)

Pity party is over and now it's just a matter of us trying to settle things as matured as we can. And I'm glad that the kids had remained positive throughout this transition, still showing love for both of us and to others, - tapi mimang ada la bah juga monstrous episodes.. But I try. They give me the worst headaches and the cause of my biggest frustrations. But they're also the ice to my cream and the coffee to my day. I try to be the kind of parent that I think my kids would need me to be. I fall so many times, but these become my strength coz they show me everytime that I cannot afford to be weak. I'm raising two human beings, two souls.. I've yet to figure out this parenting thing, but I sure know that there is no such thing as too much love for your kids. I try. Though not nicely-done, they are efforts as a result of an immeasurable love and hope for the kids to grow up to be the kind of people that the world needs more of; healers, peacemakers, artists, and lovers of all kind... Whatever they grow up to be, I hope they will never be unnecessarily mean to others, and show kindness even to those who don't deserve it. Oh, and I hope they will never be too cool to hang out with their big ol' mama... I want to always be able to hug them and get forehead kisses from them... Always...

So where were we again? Oh, the cables. Hmmm... As I was saying... Cables, complicated, so have we did to our life... And I went on rambling about the skeletons in my closet... Okay. Maybe, what I'm trying to say is, life is really not that complicated... I learned it the hard way and still has a lot more to learn, but I can tell you this; a lot of the things or moments that you thought would end you or life as you know it are overly exaggerated and all you need to do is calm down, and do whatever you can do at that very moment. Wail or cry or mourn if you need to, and mourn hard, but don't stay there... Just don't stop living.

At 30, I'm still a mess, and just like the tangled cables caused by the technology-lures I let myself fall into, I realize and have come to terms with the fact that a lot of the complications that led to this mess were the results of my own actions.. I cannot blame anyone...

But I have a lot to be thankful for. I have found love in its purest, most unselfish form and it's not in the form of a divine god... I'm very lucky that I have five, now six best friends who would gladly weigh the burden I would drop on them despite not always agreeing with my decisions... :) And they were also the very reason that the horrible week from hell weeks ago was such a wake up call than it was a spirit-crusher. To be given the chance to spend the entire day with them and having our kids around, was a huge blessing which I will eternally thank the universe for in conspiring such an event for me at that very time when I needed it the most... To those who know who you are, my soul thank you for having stuck by me through thick and thin, and for making asshole moments become laughing materials that we get to look back at with fondness and warmth... I wouldn't do justice if I don't mention my family - my bloodlines - in my thank-you post (not sure at which point did it become that but oh well). Because indeed, I owe them a lot for helping me pull through even during times when they don't agree with me and my life's choices... I would never give up the dysfunctional family I have for another... It is a huge part of what made me who I am today and for that, I'm grateful...

And on top of that, I'm in a job I'm comfortable in and enjoy doing as well as pays the bills. And getting to work with workmates that turned into family. How often do you hear people say they love their jobs and even the people they work with? And I'm not exaggerating when I say we have a boss who's like our dad and fellow colleagues who we argue with like siblings. Bukan mau tambirang la but I have tried something else, something better-paying and came with bigger amounts of perks, something more constructive and strict, and my soul died... Glad to be back doing what I do best; squeezing my brains out looking for the words to form my thoughts, which is not always successful but done with effort. Hahahahahaha.. Oh and, wear whatever the hell i want to work - albeit, proper. :D

Wow, this is a long post! Guess that's what happens when finally get to do something that you've been wanting and wanting to do but kept delaying. I'm glad I stayed up this late (it's 2:42am) to write this really unnecessarily lengthy post about nothing and everything. It's been a while... :) Goodnight, people... Till the next post, Namaste - no I've never even done yoga, but in Hinduism it means, "I bow to the divine in you..." I like that... To respect the spirit that is inside each one of us... So calming.. Ok bai.

Remember, more often than not, it's the little things. ;)

Amy D.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Back to Basic...and Happy

It's been a year? Damn. Time really does fly fast! Well, time flies fast is one thing. But I haven't updated my blog since a year ago? Damn. I really am THAT lazy.

I first started this blog because I love writing. Or so I thought. Looking back, I guess the real reason was because it could have been the only way I got to express myself best - journals. And since Facebook, self-expression just got easier and time-saving. So there went my blog updates.

It's been a year and I've added on to my brood; Micah's baby brother, Dante was born on May 20th, this year, at exactly 10:00am, and weighed 3.9kg, 0.05kg shy of Micah's birth weight. He's now 3 months old, and actively growing and developing his abilities.

I've since resigned from my old job, and am once again, a happy reporter of a local newspaper. Back to basic, and happy.

Back to basic and happy. That sounds about right.

I've learned quite a number of things in the past year. Being a mother really pushes you to learn a lot of things in a short period of time. I've been a mother for three years now. And if I look back, compare myself from three years ago to who I am today, I'm amazed. I'm far from perfect, but I'm also far from worse.

Here are some of the things that I've learned - at least in my 27 years of life - and have proven to be valuable to know:

  1. Bones, joints, and muscles, rot. So don't take them for granted and take plenty of calcium. Seriously.
  2. The metabolism-rate-slows-down-as-you-age shit is REAL. So ladies, eat all you want (and can) while you can. 
  3. Forgive and forget is a joke. Apart from genuine amnesia, forgetting hurtful incidents is impossible.
  4. If something or someone means that much to you, you will make time for it. No matter what. 
  5. That said, if you mean that much to someone, they will make time for you. No matter what. 
  6. Presence makes more impact and means much more than presents. Hence, I make it a point to spend as much time as I could with my sons when I'm not working. And being present is much more than just being physically there. You have to REALLY BE THERE; body and soul. 
  7. "I don't have enough time" is just an excuse for being LAZY.
  8. Buying stuff makes you happy for about 5 minutes. Then you either regret because you're on such a tight budget, or return to being unsatisfied and want to buy more stuff. Thank God I was never a gadget-freak.
  9. Though it doesn't matter what people say, they could sometimes be right. So listen, even if you don't follow their advice. 
  10. You're not always right. Seeing and admitting weaknesses is important. Besides, humility gets you to places more than arrogance does. 
There's more, but for some retarded reason I just can't think right now. More later. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Angry Bitch Project - FAILED

Alas, the 30-day Angry Bitch Project is over, and deemed failed. I'm honestly sorry for those who actually read it and had more faith in me than I do in myself (and I'm truly grateful that you do). But I'm not sorry that I failed and I'm not going to justify that I did. If there's anything about me that's consistent, it's inconsistency. It was initially depressing to know that. But when I think about it, it really isn't that bad. I'm not proud about it; it would have been very awesome and I'd probably be some sort of a greatness by now if I had been consistent in at least something - other than inconsistency. But to whine, stress out, and talk on and on about it would not do me any good.

Lesson learned; not to challenge myself for anything that needs consistency, like promising to update my blog every single day. Ha. What were you thinking, Amy??

With love,
Yours truly.

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 22 (2 September)

"And so, from today onwards, 11 August 2011 (Thursday), I challenge myself to a 30-day trial of the Attitude Towards Life test. Having said that, I'll be posting a post a day reporting on what are the shits that I'll have to go through each day and how I managed to (or not) get through them. Let's see what happens after 30 days. =D "

Another 8 days left for the project to see how 'successful' the project is, and I can safely say, I flunked it. For one thing, I failed to post an entry a day as I said I would - and this is due not only to connection problem but also my attitude towards the whole thing; I didn't even WANT to go to my computer and type a single damn letter to update this blog. I'm unmotivated on most days and all I want to do is SLEEEEP (but can't because I have a full time job called motherhood). And for most parts, the biggest way I failed at it was forgetting about my vow - to change my attitude towards life and the situations I'm put through, and BE angry. I could recall (of course not without guilt) the countless times I lost it and literally screamed at Micah and even let myself hit him on his thighs and hands for "not listening to Mommy..." Ugh...

Talk to you later... I'm just in a foul mood today...

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Angry Bith Project - Day 17 (28 August)

it's been another 5 days that i missed updating this project. and couple of things happened that i can't mention here. why? i read somewhere that one of the things that we shouldn't do is to post anything that we definitely don't want to read about in the future, or could be read by others.
then it got me thinking, what's this blog for then. and as of this very moment, i'm effing pissed that i don't know how to type capiital letters using this damned blackberry. fark.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 12 (23 August)

Mundane. Tho when I first started out on this job, the very thing that I'm doing made me feel like shooting myself on the head, by now it's becoming... ordinary. Is that good? Or bad? Well, it's good that I kind of know what to expect and do now. But the fact that I kind of know what to expect and do now is... bad. Ya, the repetition is done on purpose because it means exactly that. And man don't I just love to be redundant.

AnyWAAAAAAAAAyyyyy... The tea-forsaken laptop is still below my desk and I wonder what is the admin planning to do with it. I'm starting to think that they're hiding it from the powers that be so that they can save me from being screwed.

So here's the thing. Day 12 started out well with everything going smoothly like every other day. But if I were to write this post at the evening of Day 12, I would have started it off differently; full of anger and anger.

Upon coming home from work and picking Micah up from the nursery, I dropped by the house to pick Sam up and just bring them jalan-jalan. We went to Servay and I bought some necessities. Sam - who's got the Angry Bird fever, saw an Angry Bird bag and wanted me to buy it for her. In my sane state of mind I thought it would be nice to buy something for my beloved lil sister. Besides, she LOVES the bag. After buying some stuff, we dropped by the gas station and I reloaded my car fuel full. Micah started getting all cranky and whiny and kept crying. I got sooooo annoyed that I shouted, no, SCREAMED at him to shut up. Again, i went ballistic. At my son. And then Sam kept asking questions so I screamed at her. It's that angry bitch again.

I look back at what happened and I feel disappointed at myself. What worries me most is how my son views me as his mom, and as a person...


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Angry Bitch Project - All 11 Days That I Missed!

Crap. I missed 11, ELEVEN days of the project. I was in Bintulu (sigh.. I miss that place) for the first 3 days i missed updating this blog.. Managed to post an update only for the first day. By the second day, I was exhausted. Read: family, kid, emceeing for a full-day event two days in a row. And on Tuesday, I return to work. And when it comes to work, it just doesn't end anywhere. By now, I might just fail myself in this test to overcome the angry bitch syndrome. See, I'm already angry at myself for not being consistent. Bodoh eh.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 2 (14 August)
Since this project is mainly about my anger and bitchiness, let's just shorten it up and focus on that, aite? So generally, I don't remember being angry at anyone or anything. I was emceeing for a three-day event (hence the flight back to Bintulu, sponsored by the Parkcity Everly Hotel, whose event I was emceeing for, the Wedding Fair 2011), and Micah was mostly with his dad and his grandparents. I love that lil guy and miss him when I don't see him. But not having him around also means less shouting around and heart attacks. Haha. Had him around for breakfast and lunch tho, with Joshua and dear friends Eric and his wife, Debbie. Micah was pretty hyperactive and ran around. The only thing that upset me was not being able to have my meals in peace or eat as much as I wanted to coz of Micah. But I didn't keep the grudge for too long.
All in all, it was fine. I mean, I was back in Bintulu, nothing could upset me. =)

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 3 (15 August)
The day my son and I were going to fly back to KK, and everything went well, until Joshua said no to my request asking him to bathe Micah. And I automatically transformed into the Angry Bitch. I didn't answer him, slammed the door behind him, and even shouted at him like he's a dumb 7-year-old (he can be sometimes). I guess that the first time I got angry since I started this mission. And that was only the THIRD darn day. But if it's any good, I did talk to him again like nothing happened an hour after that. That's good right? It would usually take me the whole day and a lot of cussing. =D
Reaching home, my brother and Sam picked us up at the airport, and I probably was once again struck by the sadness of leaving Bintulu, my second home and where my second family is.. But i guess the hardest part was parting with my other half, and seeing my son cried out for his Papa when we left... Sigh.. I always hate that part, and with heavy heart comes a negative emotion, subconsciously vented towards others. And that's what happens between my mom and I these days. I'm just always angry at her. In my mind, I blame her for making me move here too soon, way ahead what my husband and I planned for, forcing us to live apart for a period of time. And I hate that I'm always angry at her. I love my mom truly. She's probably the only one who will never give up on me and will always forgive me for any shot I do to hurt her. And I don't want to be mad at her. That's partly why I started this 30-day mission, in an effort to control my emotions better... I have to stop being so angry, especially at my mother. What she did was wrong. But since I'm already here, I might as well appreciate what I can.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 4 (16 August)
Getting back to work on a Tuesday after a 3-day trip back to Bintulu, definitely sucks. My mind was not at work and there was (and still is) a whole load of shit to do. I motivated myself by listening (and singing along) to Queen's Underpressure on the way to work. Ha ha. It's especially helpful when you sing to it with hand gestures and facial expressions with a make-believe audience. No one was annoying so I survived work. Went home and Micah was cranky. =( I hate it when he is because that's the most annoying part of all annoying things. When he's cranky, he cries and cries and cries and screams at me like I'm supposed to understand what he wants. And the thing is, I bet he doesnt' even know what he wants because he's barely 2 years old. Oddly, as I'm writing this, I thought of my mom and how she's always trying to make the choices for me... because I bet she bets her daughter doesn't know what she wants. Hmm... More on that later.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 5 (17 August)
Today, I found out that my external hardisk crashed. Virus from Joshua's laptop (I'm sure of this because the hardisk won't open after plugging off from his laptop). All my photos - ALL my photos, are in there. Went to the little Low Yatt of KK to ask around, and got all the same answers I got from everyone else who might know of such problems - no, you can't retrieve the data. Angry? Go figure.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 6 (18 August)
After arguing with mom on whether or not I should send Micah to the nursery - and this goes back to the time before we moved back from Bintulu, when she said I would be able to save on nursery money as she can look after my son while I work but two months later complaints about not being able to take part in her church activities because she had to look after her grandson - I finally decided that I'm sending Micah to a nursery nearby, Taska Mentari. But I had to anyway as the house is undergoing renovation, and all the dust that goes around would be bad for him. Of course, he cried as soon as I wanted to put him down for his new teacher to take over. And just like the first time I had to send him to a nursery at the age of 6 months in Bintulu, driving to work I kept wishing I don't have to do that - praying for the day that my husband earns 10 grand a month so I can quit my job or that I'll find and have the guts to work from home and still earn much to make a living.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 7 (19 August)
An interesting evening took place the night before. It was the Thursday our company organized a farewell dinner for two of our staffs who were leaving; Alric and Ashley. We had it at the English Tea House, and the food sucks. Big time. It's the worst lasagna and shepard pie I've ever had, and I wasn't the only one who thought so. That alone, is a reason to be angry. But that wasn't the highlight of my anger. It was at the after-party. I'm not sure how much damage is it gonna cause mentioning this in my blog - it involves an ex. Though I should not worry because my husband knows about this and I tell him every little thing. But it could be bad if the people involved actually read this; which I doubt. So... here goes nothing!
Boy meets girl, like each other, and going through the process of establishing a real relatiopnship. The only problem is, both are attached to other people. And the bigger problem is I think, the PDA. I dated this guy a looooong time ago and there's no emotional attachment left. But we've been good friends ever since. Eventhough there's nothing left there, it still has to be awkward for me. Even more so when the girl is a colleague of mine and is engaged to someone else. And this is probably why I wasn't the only one who's not so keen of the hogging scene at the club that night, nor the idea about them being together. Everyone was uncomfortable. And so, me being the i-always-have-to-let-out-what-i-think-and-feel bitch, texted him, and I texted him goood. Basically, i was asking them to take it somewhere private, but it probably sounded meaner than that. So he's pissed, and I got even more pissed, and the text prolonged to become an email, and it was a nasty conversation. He charged me guilty of rallying everyone to be on my side to destroy him. Angry? U bet.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 8 (19 August)
After such an interesting twist of events, the day after must have been awkward for some. I was feeling pretty ordinary. Thanks to carefully watching my alcohol consumption. Some of us weren't so lucky and drank too much too soon and ended up looking... silly? But all is good - at least i like to think so. Work was pretty mundane and all I wanted was to go home and sleep. But darn it, there's a Breaking of fast ceremony that we needed to attend. Other than the minor annoyance of being made to attend something when I'd rather speed off and go home, anger was nowhere in the picture. Cheers to Day 8!

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 9 (20 August)
Before I start complaining about today, I'd like to wish a dear old friend of mine, Haslin. Tho I'm 100% sure he doesn't read this. Haslin was my colleague at the Borneo Post - ya the newspaper I worked for a brief 9 months before furthering my studies at UiTM. And befriending Haslin meant i got myself a big brother for life. Enough said. I'm lucky to have known him and I pray that all good things are lined up for him and his wife, Jaswinder - his soul mate and best friend whom he just married after about 12 years of relationship (awwwww..) - throughout their lives...
Anyway, it's a Saturday and the best part about an event-free weekend is that i get to spend it fully with Mr Micah. It's not 24-hours of rainbows and butterflies - it's more of 24-hours of biscuit crumbs and hints of Vitagen drinks in your hair, face, & shirt - but I love it when he laughs and calls out, "Mommy, see, Mommy," and (attempts) to do the sommersault.
Until...... he spilled tea all over my laptop. Scrap that, it's the company's laptop that they let me use for work. My 8-year-old sister, Sam, pandai-pandai bring a cup of tea over to the room, NEXT to the laptop and Micah knocked it over and the rest is history. I screamed like an angry female dragon and beat both of them with a hanger with all my heart. I just lost it. All i remember thinking at that time was it's the company's property and I'm responsible for all the damage. Just imagining how much it'll cost to repair it and the blame I had to carry for destroying a company's property that they entrusted to me, drove me crazy. I went ballistic. Packed the laptop, brought it to Karamunsing where they fix such tech probs, and was told that the damage done could be beyond salvation. I went home praying that the worst will not happen... tho not before I bought something with the hope it would make me feel better. It didn't.
Come nightfall, I put him to bed and went out with close friends from Bintulu who were in KK for a night to check out the band at the infamous White Room club - these friends work in the hotel line. Oh and also managed to visit a best friend, Gole, at her place and had about 2 hours of chat - which i miss doing - prior to meeting friends at the club. Sometimes i wish i get to spend more time with friends. But most times, i just wish I get to spend more time with my bed and bolster. =p

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 10 (21 August)
It's a Sunday and oh how I wish I get to call it a Lazy Sunday... But i'm a working mom. So if I'm not working, I'm spending time with my kid. And though I love him to bits and he is the reason that I live for, sometimes I wish I get to choose when can I eat and bathe and nap and just be bored. Instead, I live by his time and mood. But I wouldn't change it for the world. He makes up for the shitty parts by hugging me and kisses my forehead out of the blue. =') My son...
Plus, the problem with the laptop. I woke up with a skip of the heartbeat remembering about it. To confirm my fear, I called up the tech center and yup, they confirmed my biggest fear - the motherboard hangus. To fix it, it'll cost something close to a grand. So i took the laptop home, looking to ask the company's admin on what better way - if there's any - can this problem be fixed.
So, it wasn't a fruitful day. But I'm glad I looked past my anger by nightfall the day before and went through today with laughter and openness - que sera, sera, I told myself. And though there's much worry inside my head, I had much love and joy with Sam, Micah and the rest of my family. Cheers to that!

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 11 (22 August)
Woke up thinking, "Amy, the worst that could happen is they fire you. They won't kill you. So you'll still be alive and have the opportunity to live life and look for greener pastures elsewhere." That, and, "You can always go back to Bintulu... Bintulu? Yes, Bintulu!" So got dressed and dropped Micah off at the nursery and went to work. Kasi tabal muka and told Fanny of admin, "Laptop hangkang. Kana siram teh. Hangus motherboard."
*Worried face* "Pakai event department punya dulu lah. Nanti saya panggil orang fix."
Phew! Glad that went well... But I did ask if I need to pay for anything or at least have the company take some sort of action against me for damaging a company's property. Fanny told me to chill, use another company's laptop and we'll figure out what can be done. I'm still waiting for what could become of me and my future of working in this company. But like I said, "Que sera, sera... Esso e va bene."

More later!

p/s: I only got to post ALL of this, today, because I was catching up with each day, juggling work, Micah, and THIS, and only managed to finish everything today. But I only got to catch up, or even did, was because I found out that somebody actually READS this. Thanks to my great friend, Audrey. That bitch... Ha ha... But I love her to bits for that and for so many other reasons. And I miss her.