Monday, April 28, 2008

Lost

When you cling on to something so hard, and depend on it so much that 90% of your life revolves around it, you would either cherish and take good care of it, or you take it for granted. I guess in my case, I took it for granted. Thinking that it's impossible for me to ever lose it. And when I finally did, I stood numb, disbelieved, speechless, nothing but blinks of the eyes.

Okay, I'm being
a little too dramatic over the lost of a mobile phone and a laptop. But damn it, it's too precious and useful! Seriously, 90% of my life depends on it; it's my source of information (useful or not), source of work, source of communication, source of entertainment, source of everything. It hurts so much to have lost t, to wake up in the morning knowing that you no longer have it... (okay Amy). I know they are just THINGS. But some of it have some real sentimental values, like my watch that I first bought with my first real pay from my first real job. I've been wearing it for the past four years, and now it's gone. My laptop contains gigabytes of memories that couldn't possibly be replaced. And the songs that I've susah payah downloaded. Argh!

*
Gain composure* I just hope that the guy who broke into our house has a kid who is suffering from a terminal disease and needs to undergo an operation and he has no money to pay for it that's why he had to steal.

The beauty of all this is that, the five of us who were the
mangsa-mangsa kejadian (Amanda, Blacky, Lisa, Iki and me) still managed to laugh about it and we laughed our way to the police station and back. I'd lie if I say that it didn't hurt one bit. It hurt because our family are not rich people who can buy laptops and mobile phones anytime we demand for it. They worked so hard for us to even get one in the first place. Kesian bah, bukan orang senang. But it's amazing how they asked "Kamu tia apa2 ka?" instead of scolding us with the usual "Sepa suruh kamu bah tia pandai hati2!" Haha.

And the best thing is how
friends are truly defined the way they show concern and support while we were dealing with it. These are the kind of times that you know how important it is to have friends and family who care. Truly, I'd never appreciate friends better than I do after this incident. And I know that goes for all of us victims (haha, lucu oh ni term 'mangsa'). From supporting us financially, to supporting us emotionally, as well as physically, they had showed us that when we fall, we're not alone. With ll my heart, THANK YOU. You have no idea how grateful I am for your concerns. The text messages and calls and even coming to the house to check on how we're doing, tells us that we have true friends and not just acquaintances.

And I also thank God for helping us to be able to see that the things we've lost are just THINGS (
i must admit that they IMPORTANT things tho). And for helping us to see that there are more important things than just the tangible ones. Thank God for helping us to be able to accept what happened and not let it hold us back but even laugh about it. If He brings you TO it, He'll bring you THROUGH it. So, eventhough i've lost my Thesis along with my laptop (and stupidly didn't save any backup copy of it), I bet God will help me through it. =)

p/s: I still love my laptop and hope with every beat of my heart it will come back to me. Haha!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Shame On Me

Spiritual dryness. It's not that I never heard of this term before, or that I never gone through such period in my life. If you have been reading my Friendster blogposts since i first started it couple of years back, you'd know that it is something that i often talk about. But I have to say that I haven't talked about it for quite some time now. I'm not sure why. Probably because I find other things are more interesting than talking about God. And I bet that that is the one thing that's been holding me back from Him; finding other things are worthier of my writing time than having have anything to do with Him. Shame on me.

Often when this kind of period comes around, I look for Him, with an effort I thought seemed to be, determined, often not looking hard enough that what happened between Him and I are might be partly my fault. I should have known better than to blame Him for "leaving" me, when I was the one who had turned my back on Him by doing things that I'd desired without even stopping for one second to think about what He might feel or think. When i was the one who had acted like my desires and feelings mattered more than anything else, here I am asking Him where did He go... And when he didn't answer, I get all cranky and mad and impatient.

The sad thing is that, I KNOW. I know. I know how things are supposed to work. I know what I should do in order to get back on track. But I don't feel that drive, that urge, barely even the desire
to start doing what I'm supposed to. I can't stop feeling angry at myself, at people, sometimes even at Him. And the one thing that I do know is, He'll remain silent as long as I'm still so angry... How does one angry b**** stops feeling angry? That's sure one thing I don't know the answer to...

"It's all about You, it's not about me as if You should do things my way..." Shame on me, expecting God to always be the one who gives in and take me in with all my anger and hatred, unworthiness, dirt and sinfulness, when He was the One who loved me so much that He died for me, and I was the one who took all that unconditional love for granted and waste it around like I'm never going to run out of it
. Shame on me.

Daddy God,
I know You can hear me, despite me thinking that You're so far away. You see, i don't even know what to say to You anymore. I'm at lost for words. I know that I've asked You for help for a thousand times and though I keep telling myself not to lose hope because You are a merciful and loving Father, this time around I'm on the verge of losing faith it what I'm asking for. You never failed me Lord, not once. Coz no matter how long You take, You'll always, always reach out to me... always. But today when I look up the sky, there's not even one star shining, there's not even one bird flying across. I'm scared God... You know that I'm scared...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

How?

I haven’t been prolific these days. All I did was sit my ass watching movies of stuffs that I don’t really need for my daily life. Well, come to think of it I don’t think I have ever been prolific in the past…six months. I haven’t been doing my work well, assignments. Although I managed to finish everything in time in the eleventh hour I did them out of necessity, not out of passion. It’s not that I hate it, but it would be great to do things with your heart, you know what I’m saying? Ugh… There’s no drive. There’s just…responsibility, and even that I don’t do well in fulfilling. I want to be good, in a lot of sense, in all senses… How does one inadequate, lazy, laid-back, procrastinating, self-drive-lack person starts to do that?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Yet Another Religious Casualty

It had been the talk of our classes on a daily basis, "Boycott Dutch products." Me, obviously, and my two other non-Muslim friends couldn't care less. And no, it's not because the film wasn't anything regarding my faith, or that we're agreeing with Geert Wilders' ideas and opinions. Well, okay, maybe it's a bit of the former. But here's the thing, Christianity, probably especially Catholicism had been "wrongly perceived" too, and badly presented (my vocab is worsening by the minute) for so long. Did we make a big fuss out of it? I'll get back to you later.

This whole "Fitna" issue suddenly brings me back to the things that had happened previously, issues regarding religion matters. When we were discussing it in the class this morning, i was suddenly reminded of the Da Vinci Code movie issue. Wait a minute, hold it; for the past couple of years studying in a university, i would know it's an issue if it's talked about in class as a discussion. Previously, there was the caricature issue; Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. was depicted as the head of Jihad. And now this, misinterpretation of the Holy Qu'ran (just what is wrong with the Dutch). Yes, these i consider as issues as we were asked to discuss them in class. Obviously, it is always when Islam is being humiliated, negatively presented and lowly put. Of course, it's only right because the said religion is the official religion of the country and its a majority. But as a democratic country cultivating freedom of religion, harmony and all, don't you think that when other religions are being mocked and contradicted, they should be openly discussed a well?

I remember when Gibson's Passion of the Christ was released, it wasn't shown in cinemas in Malaysia. And even the VCDs came out on the market only weeks after its release. And not long after that, Da Vinci Code came out; it was an immediate blockbuster film, up and going in cinemas across the nation. Note that these are two very contradicting on each other. The first one promoting (no, that's not the word, just what is wrong with my vocab these days), or more of in support of the Catholics, while the other one completely deject the Holy Trinity and depict Jesus Christ as a human being. And which one made it to the cinemas in Malaysia, and which one did not? Doesn't that get you thinking?I made it a point to bring it up for discussion someday and i just did today (well, since we were already talking about religion). Surprisingly, some of my fellow friends of the different creed do not even know about Mel Gibson's movie. I don't blame them. The one to blame is, (i hate to mention the big G word), no, not God, you silly. The Government. Or the enforcement, or whoever it is that is in authority. My lecturer then asked if the churches in Malaysia did anything about it (bising-bising as she would say it), and i replied, "Even if we did, i don't think the mainstream media won't pay enough attention to it" and don't ask me why coz i'm not about to make any assumptions. The point is, why is it when our religion is being mocked like that, it doesn't become an issue?