Thursday, October 30, 2008

First Love. Or So We Call It.

There's this notion in my head that never wore off; that I could and would never feel love as truly, as deep, as passionate, as I did when I fell for this one guy at the age of 16. Oh, I had multiple boyfriends before as well as after him. But nothing, and I mean nothing could beat what I felt for him.

This particular guy - the one I could safely say I fell in love with - he was 21 when we met. We were friends, or more of acquaintances, two years prior to being a couple. Unlike the guys I've been with before him (and sadly, even after him), he made me feel... Gosh, I don't even know how to describe that feeling. It's the kind of feeling that makes you want to cry yet jump with joy, secure yet scared, ALL at the same time. It's just indescribable. And the first kiss, it felt like the whole world just faded and silenced and for a moment there, it was just me, him, and our feelings, completely NOTHING else...

The 'KISS'. The one that makes you feel like you mean something to someone, completely you, the whole you, and being loved for just YOU. And that kiss that automatically closes you eyes and you'd just float, like you're not where you are... and the kiss that, when you open your eyes, makes you say to yourself, "I want nothing more..." And you don't, because that's all that could ever be.

We went on three years. The journey was bumpy. But it was great. Tremendously great. It was beautiful and I should have known that all good things must come to an end, because it was totally heartbreaking when it ended. It took me years after that trying to mend the pieces. Today, it has been 7 years since it ended, yet I still can't find some of the broken pieces I left then. It's getting better but sometimes, there are still moments while reading a novel, or watching a movie, or listening to a love song, where the image of his face - to the details - would appear in my mind.

It took me a lot of years, letters, men, tears, work, studies, more men, anger, to try and get over him. And when I realized that I can't keep hoping for him to come back, I opened the door again. But my, ain't it hard to open it wide. Opening it ajar is the best that I can do.

For whatever reason that is, I never know for sure. All I know is, I've been infidel towards Love itself. I forgot how it felt like to commit a commitment that comes right out of your heart; committing because you want to, not because you work for it. I forgot how it feels like to care about a person so much it hurts myself. I forgot how it feels like to want to see a person everyday, or always wanting to talk to him. I forgot how it feels like to kiss with meanings deeper than just suggesting "This is going to be adjourned to bed, clothes off." I forgot how to... love.

To all the ones I've been with before and after this one particular guy, I'm sorry. Honestly - and you probably know it better than me - I didn't give it my best. I didn't jump with both feet in. I'm not scared, or afraid of falling in love again. I just don't know how anymore. It's like, a knowledge, if not a feeling, that was robbed off me. For some reason, I just couldn't feel, do, nor think the same about love the way I did. I just don't know how.

I tried. Gave it a shot. But someone always ends up hurt. It came to one point where I just stop. Rather than trying to commit to someone because that someone deserves my loyalty, and to mention, worthy of it, I failed miserably and I just give up trying at all, because the more I try, more people are hurt. So I go on living life... More often than not I meet men whom I would say are worthy of my attention, and probably even effort. I would like them today and think, "Hey, he's not bad," but wake up the next day and just have a 180 degree turned of opinion.

I'm not looking for any relationship right now. But I'd be lying if say that all these petty experiences didn't for one second get me thinking, "How long will this go on?" "How long more would I go around treating men like they're clothes?" "Wouldn't it come to a day when I would look around me and see friends who are settled down, or at least just be with the men they, well.. love?" "And since all the men I'm seeing now are just... men/friends/flirts/platonic friends, which one would I really turn to for everything? For fun, for security, for company, for opinions, for a shoulder, for... love?"

Needless to say, I'm still young. 23. Some would say that it's not time I think about all these commitment issues, that it's not about time for me to worry whether or not I'll settle down sooner or later, that I should play the field. Oh I've played the field alright. And although it was fun at first, eventually I'll sit down at my balcony alone, looking at the stars and wonder, "Will I ever find anyone worthy to share this moment with?" And usually, even after 7 years later, only one face would be vividly pictured in my mind, bringing along with it fresh-like feelings that I once felt when I was 16...

There had been many times when I honestly thought I had let him go, and it's been done in so many ways. We had confronted each other about it (thousands of times) and I should already get my answers, which I did. But I guess, it's only normal that letting go is not easy. Sometimes I wonder why, even after all these years, I'm still not able to really let go of him. Would anyone ever be able to make me feel the way he did just by looking at me? Would anyone ever be able to make my name sound just as sweet whenever he says it? Would anyone ever be able to give me the kind of comfort he gave me? Or the security? And even the fear of losing him? Would anyone ever be able to be the kind of friend he is to me? Would I ever, ever be able to love anyone just like I've loved, and still do, him? Would I ever, ever again... love?

First times are always exciting, unexpected, breath-taking, awesome, fearful, scary... Awesome. But it doesn't mean that second time couldn't be just as great. If only I just put in just as much effort as I did the first time. And the best thing about the second time is that, you get to learn from the first one and do better. *smiles*

No doubt, the memories will always stay. As much as I'd wish the memories and feelings would just fade away so that it would be much easier, they'd stay. And since there's nothing much I can do about it, I might as well make the best out of it; keep it. But it doesn't mean I should stop giving myself a chance, giving other people the chance, giving love a chance. And I shall. First thing first, get rid of the stupid notion. *smiles*

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

My Haters

For someone who had received good/positive/inspiring/motivating/pleasing comments all her life, being scorned at – subtly or directly – can be quite disheartening. And as much as I would like to not believe them, I realize that being mad at these disdaining remarks would only mean that I’m being immature and ignorant of negative opinions, what could also be helpful if used correctly. So I took it all in.

In just two weeks, I received hate messages from three people. Three people; that should mean something, right? Two of these three literally spelled it out that they’re disgusted at the thought of me. One of these three made it clear that he/she was so annoyed by my words and actions that he/she refused to ever see me again. Well actually, all three are completely opposed to the idea of meeting me at all. Funnily, this whole hate-messages thingy started after I sent them a message of peace-making. Yeap. How bizarre.

I’m the kind of person who couldn’t stand the thought of people not liking me. Who could, right? But I’ve always been the kind who wants to settle everything displeasing that ever happened between me and anybody. I’d confront these people, through any way possible; if it’s easier to speak out through words, then messages it is. But if things could be sorted out by meeting up, then chat over drinks it is.

So two weeks ago, I decided to settle things nicely with an old friend. I sent her a message via Facebook (thank God for social networking websites). No swearing, no foul words (except for one part, in giving an example), no negative comments… just a purely honest message of reminiscing a good past, which is followed by, “It would be great if we could at least look each other in the eyes and smile. That’s all.”

What I got for a reply, was utterly shocking. A whole message containing words of despise, pointing the blame back at me (an issue that I still don’t think is my fault at all), that ended with, “Do me a favor, stay the hell out of my life and our friends’, if you have any dignity left.” Funny. Coz the ‘friends’ he/she was referring to, are still happily chatting and exchanging friendly comments with me on a daily basis. Either they’re being hypocrites or he/she was completely lying on a baseless fact.

The second person, same thing. Well, not exactly. I sent a message asking for a proper explanation on an issue. Mind you, nicely, despite this person’s obvious mistakes when that issue was at place. And then there you go again, a reply full of hate and discontent towards me. I was once again, shocked.

There was only one reason why I was so surprised by the way these two reacted; they are much older than me, which leads me to think that by right, they should be much mature than me, right? They should know better how to handle issues at hand better than I do. I felt (and still do) like I was being the wiser one by not reacting in anger like they did.

Now, the third one. I wrote about him/her in my blog. Remember ‘shithead’ (which I am more than glad to retract by now)? I re-added him/her into my friends list, thinking that bygones should be bygones and I still somehow believe that he/she is a nice person and worth to at least have as an acquaintance. I chatted with him virtually and asked him/her for opinions on matters what could be personal, just to see if I could recapture that good side of chemistry we had before the failure of getting along with each other. That one went well, but yeah, really stale tho’. So I decided, it’s just probably not gonna work, at least not the way I expected it to be. So the communication/contact rate lessens.

I wasn’t even thinking about him/her anymore until a message came in two days ago, which led me to reminiscent of the past (the good parts , of course). And I thought, “I’m leaving in a couple of weeks time and might not be coming back. Why not see him/her before I leave, see if it might work out because the first two times sucked big time. Who knows, third time’s the charm they say, right?” He/she gave me the idea of meeting up first, which, coming to think about it now, might have been a joke I didn’t get. All in all, the message-replying scenario just turned ugly, and I ended up being scorned at.

You may think that Amy is probably just being ignorant of things that might have been her fault, that she's just pretending not to hear nor see the bad side of her that people see. I thought so too. But there is another thing about me; I don’t react in anger or hatred, outwardly expressed or not, before I make sure that I am on the right side of things. For all three Haters (yeah, that’s what I call them, not exactly applicable for the third one tho’. He/she doesn’t hate me, only annoyed – as he/she put it), I actually went around asking for opinions from people whose points of view can be trusted because they don’t always think I’m right, a.k.a., honest. And they said that it’s weird that I even asked them if I’m right to feel the way I felt about Them Haters, because the issues are mighty obvious, as in, it is easily detectable who’s the victim and the villain. So, either these people whose opinions I trust are lying, or… well, I’m right.

So what happened after them Haters (the first two, actually. The third one doesn’t affect me much) replied in such anger and hatred? Did I reply them angrily and in hate as well? *smiles* I’m proud of myself, really. I calmly answered all their angry questions, correctly with no exaggerations – with bits of sarcasm here and there - and offered a second chance of peace, to which they reacted by deleting me off their friends list completely (as if that’s gonna solve the problem). And I just left it at that. It’s not that I give up in trying to settle our issue. I’m gonna try again, maybe in later years when they’re mature enough to react to peace-making messages properly.

It's not like I'm saying that I don't have any negative attributes. I do. I don't always do things correctly or handle things peoperly. I fumble and fall every now and then, I make mistakes, I blurt out displeasing words, I don't always smile 24/7, I'm not always available for help, etc. I accept the way I am and do try and change what I'm capable of changing. All apologies to people who were ever negatively affected by the decisons I made, the steps I took, the words I said, I face I put on, the assistance I failed to offer, the love I failed to give. But I think we're all capable of these shortcomings, and we're all given a choice to understand or to ignore people's imperfections, to forgive or to dwell in anger.

To my Haters, I can only hope that you will find it in your hearts someday to get rid of the hatred, and all I want is for us to be able to at least look each other in the eyes and frame our faces with a heartfelt smile. That's all.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Just Forget About It?

Our PM today urged us to "Have faith in Najib, ignore Altantuya allegations." Read more here (if you have access to Malaysiakini, that is).

Okay, sure, I think I can do that. Not like I trust the source 100% anyway. But what about the issue regarding the submarines and Sukhoi jets purchase? That was huge. But then again, yea sure, I think I can get over that one too, not like I've seen the thorough records of the transactions and all. But there another thing; what about the 'Keris' issue dated way back in 1987? Okay, don't get me wrong I'm not trying to stir racial tensions here, just something to make you - those of you who think that Najib should be PM soon, or ever) - rethink your opinions. I mean, yea sure he can survive all the allegations shoved at him and he might make a good Defence Minister (I'm still not sure about him being Finance Minister though). But how is he gonna handle the more important task, which is to unite the people in this country? Owh, let's not get that ambitious. How is he even going to unite the people in HIS party? Look at UMNO itself, especially presently.

Oh... I can't even start to imagine what's our country gonna be like in the next couple of years.