Tuesday, December 15, 2009

If You've Been Reading ME... - An Update

After what seemed like forever of not 'properly' updating my blog, I guess I owe that to you, my readers. Before that, the reasons why I hadn't been able to do so was;
1) I didn't have the necessary device and proper Internet connection to do so.
2) This excuse of course can be solved by going to the nearby Cybercafes, BUT, I didn't have the time, if not convenience, to do that.
3) Well, even if the first two excuses are unreasonable, I just couldn't write as well as I did. Extra info: Expectant mothers' brain fats get sucked somewhere along the pregnancy, which is why it is wise for mothers-to-be to consume as much Omega-3 supplements as they can. As well as after the birth. I didn't take that info seriously, until I realized I forgot the English word for 'garpu' and totally misarranged my IC number. Bottomline, I can't write as well anymore due to the fact that my brain shrunk and I dropped quite a number of vocabularies along the way.

So, if you're reading this yet had not the slightest idea of what am I talking about, in case you had no interest in knowing that Amy got knocked up (sure glad the commotion is over) and her son is now coming to three months old, OR, has no idea who Amy is, keep reading. I'll fill you in *smiles*.

I'm Amy Dangin. I'm 24 this year, married and a mother of an adorable 3-month-old boy, Micah. I've had this blog since March last year, and another four-year-old blog via Friendster. I wrote mostly about my personal thoughts and opinion, on life, love, politics, spirituality, as well as rant about my daily life back then. I loved it. I loved putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I would say I'm in my element whenever I be in my blog. This blog is ME. It would be a shame if I let other things and priorities get in the way of it and give up on it completely.

If you've been reading my past posts, you'd probably have laughed, cried, criticized, argued, disagreed, agreed, adviced, and so on. If you've been reading me, you would know that I can and I would write even about the smallest of things if only I feel like it. You would know that I don't fancy the ruling party of this country that much. You would know that I don't agree to the racial classification of this country. You would know that I've loved and been love in return. You would know that I had my fair share of relationships. You would know that I love my mother with all my heart and want nothing but the best for her, yet argue with her countless of times. You would know that one of my biggest concerns is my faith in God and His in me. You would know that I'm stubborn. If you've been reading me, you would know that THIS, HERE, TODAY, was not WHAT, WHERE, nor WHEN I wanted to be... *smiles*

All I was looking for was a short-term experience. But I fell in love (if you've been reading me, you would know that LOVE is an issue for me, and admitting to feeling it was and still is unlikely of me), and I acted on it, with an unexpected result. Yes, my baby was unplanned. But when Joshua and I found out that we're pregnant, we welcomed the news with smiles that meant an anxious joy. I'd lie if I say that we were all rainbows and sunshine. There was fear of how our parents would respond, as well as fear of how our future was now altered not so much to our liking.

It was a lot of bumps from then on. I questioned his liability as a husband and a father many times, mostly due to my hormonal condition. He patiently stood by me and did his best to make me happy and give us what we need. My family that I had underrated was a big supporter afterall. His parents and mine were still the loving people whom we knew them to be.

A year, many tears and laughters alike, dreams, hopes, expectations and many fears later, here we are. Here I am. Still a my mother's daughter, now a mother myself, a wife, still with same hopes and dreams - maybe slightly altered - and still writing... *smiles*

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Me.

Friend. Daughter. Big sister. Little sister. Lover. Fling. Ex-girlfriend. Ex-friend. Mentor. Student. Journalist. Writer. Stranger. Enemy. Companion. Acquaintance. And now.. a MOTHER... *smiles*

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Being Pregnant Amy =)

Entry August 21, 2009. 0149hrs.

Yes, it’s almost two in the morning and I’m still very much awake. I’m not sure if it’s just me or it’s just part of being pregnant. If it’s the latter, then this is probably part of nature’s way of preparing us expectant mothers for the many sleepless nights to come. (*smile*)

I’m in my 35th week now. A complete pregnancy usually takes 40 weeks, but I asked my gynaecologist and he said that we should get ready by the 37th week, which means I have two more weeks to go. Eek!

I’ve always been excited about the baby (whom I’ve pet-named as Sunshine since the beginning, not knowing if it’s a he or she). Well, okay. I get hormonal sometimes and cry at the thought of how life’s never going to be the same again. But that doesn’t count. Expectant mothers get emotional and sensitive because of the hormone changes. Rapid hormone changes that is. It’s completely crrrazy – like I get annoyed or emotional at the littlest of things –but it’s just important for the baby’s growth and perfection. I can only hope that I won’t be as irrational after the whole ordeal is over. (*crossing fingers*)

Apart from what I’ve mentioned – sleepless nights and crazy hormone attacks – there’s non-stop eating. I’m constantly hungry and want everything! Most expectant moms (and dads) have specific cravings. But me, I just want it all; chocolate cake, coconut buns, mango puddings, chicken curry, fried mihun, tomato ketchup, butter chicken, cheese-cake, orange juice, hot chocolate, KFC, and occasionally, stuff. I’m almost term and yet I still can’t decipher when it’s really cravings or I just want them and use pregnancy as an excuse to want them right then and there. Hi hi.

And then, there’s extreme insecurity of the physical outlook, which I think is funny because hey, I’m pregnant; no one really gives a shit how I look like, right? But I get this really agitated feeling everytime I look at the stretch marks. They’re everywhere! And they’re hideous! I once broke down and cried after analysing the parts of my body and saw that the stretch marks and cellulite had gone to impossible lengths (now that I think about it, I feel stupid).

No need to mention, the size of my bulging belly that makes it impossible for me to fit into most of my clothes. I was only able to accept the fact that pregnancy and cute, sexy underwears do not fit in the same category in my 5th month. So I shoved them all (angrily at that time) into the closet and had to go out and buy these really, huge, ugly underpants that go up to my waist. Included are huge, sponge-less bras with really wide straps. I remember how I used to tease my mom about her undergarments. Now she laughs back at me.

The loo had in the course of my pregnancy become one the most visited places. I feel like peeing exactly every 15 minutes since I got into the second month. Now that I’m almost term, it’s every 5 minutes. No kidding. My belly’s the size of a big watermelon now, which means that my bladder is shrunk to a very small size, reducing its ability to contain big amounts of fluid (and plus, the baby kicks and wiggles and moves around like nobody’s business... and he/she doesn’t even know WHERE the bladder is)! And the thing is, I’m always, ALWAYS thirsty. So, go figure.

Coming into the 7th month, my back started to hurt a lot, especially when I’m up and doing chores. And I had (and still have) difficulty breathing too, all the time. Getting on the bed, or even squatting down to pee, are now deem as very difficult tasks. I pant most of the time. My heartbeat is pretty fast, so it means that a lot of blood is being pumped in seconds. Everyday is pretty tiring, since you’re carrying around this heavy little person everywhere you go (and everything you do).

Expectant moms have this sleeping position to follow, which to lie down on your left side in the foetal position. I do that. But what happens when you’re sick of one position and want to change the other side of your body, or lie on your back? Yeah you can change, but your heartbeat speeds up in seconds and you have to lie back on your left side.

I also sweat all the time. But when I’m in an air-conditioned area or sit in front of the fan for too long, air gets in my system and I feel extremely bloated for a very long time. Yes, extreme discomfort. So, here comes all the ginger (and I hate ginger).

And the baby’s kicking? It was cute... at first. Now it’s just more rigorous and painful at times. Ha ha. I’m not so sure if babies are like that at this stage of pregnancy, or I’m carrying one that is very, very active and seem to be able to do somersaults already. I hate it when he/she kicks my ribs... Just imagine that; a little person kicking your insides...

All these and more, make me wish everyday that this will soon be over. But more than that, I yearn to see this little person that my husband and I made and had brought along in my belly for the past eight months... this little human being who had already made me feel that my life’s going to be tough yet interesting and perfecting... I quit smoking and drinking altogether because of him/her, something that I had been trying to do before this but failed. I started to give a damn about eating right, and forced myself to love veggies. I wonder what else is in store for me...

Being pregnant had been an incredible journey. It was confusing at first (and sometimes still is), but you get to learn gradually, what it is like to be responsible and loving. This is a human being we’re talking about... imagine the responsibility a mother carries... Yes, that being said, I’ve learned to appreciate my own mother more. And we’ve not even got to the deliver part yet... (*pants frantically*)

That’s that for now. I’ll definitely update you much later than this when my baby’s out. In the meantime, little one needs food! He’s seems so hungry, judging by the momentum of his kicks!

More later!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Yours Truly

Nothing lasts forever. I know that. No matter how much you feel for a person, it will end, one way or another. People always leave, for better or worse. Either way, it will end because of dying sparks, or dying, or old age, or other complicated issues... That's why when I met Joshua, who thinks the same thing, we both agreed on a temporary relationship. I mean, aren't they all not permanent?

We became friends, and things were great even then. But who could deny it when attraction plus comfort when they exist between two people and then suddenly being just friends doesn't seem to be enough enough anymore, right?

Things were great even when we were friends, and they're even better when we're together. But knowing our chances, me leaving anytime when my contract ends, him having have to stay here because of work, we know the odds of being together. That's why we agreed on "Let's just be together till we have to part ways," which is kind of silly when you really think about it, you know, trying the waters? Believe it or not, we even reserved a break-up song. it's really not because we look forward to breaking up (or parting ways - a term he prefers to use), but because we know that hoping for or even having the idea of forever is ridiculous, yes, talking by experience.

We spend a lot of time together. And by each moment we spent, he just makes me want him my life more and more. Separating suddenly becomes a dreadful idea. What initially was meant to be a 7-month-fling becomes... something deeper... and how I hated that. I was meant to try the waters, now I've gotten in TOO DEEP...

I vowed a long time ago not to use the word 'LOVE' to describe what I feel towards someone anymore - excluding my ever beloved mom, sisters, brother and best friends. In addition to that, I prevent others from using that word too when they're with me. If any guy - or girl for that matter - wants to use that word with me, go ahead, but be warned that it's very unlikely for me to say it in return, at least, not when i don't mean it... and to mean something like that ain't easy.

You might think that i'm being bitter about the whole relationship thing. Note that i did not say I do not BELIEVE in LOVE. I do. What i don't believe is people. I've had my fair shares of ups and downs to know that the word itself brings more meaning that people think they know. And it's such a shame how people, couples just use that word like a 'HELLO', simply saying, 'Love you, baby' without weighing the word carefully, even to describe lust.

it's such a big word to use... one that's suppose to describe something that would surpass time, trials, challenges, changes, difficulties, mistakes, seasons, everything... If I'm ever going to say it again to someone, or hear someone say it to me again, I would want that person to really think about it, like, would that still be the way he feels about me when things get ugly between us, or when he find out about me ugly past, or when I'm old and wrinkly and not so attractive anymore... would he? Would I still feel that way about him? it's easy to be so fond of a person when things are right... but what if they change?

The last time I told someone I love him - meaning it, taking every single word seriously, like every letter matters, weighing the word really carefully, as in really thinking will I still feel that way about him even when things had changed, even if we've physically changed to be uglier, or if everything else had altered, was a really long time ago... I even forgot how that feels anymore. maybe I've said it once or twice since then, for the sake of saving the relationships... But not the way I felt back then. Not that I remembered.

Since then I've avoided getting involved. Don't get me wrong. The physical part was really easy. It's giving your heart involved that's scary; the part where you just let yourself fall, jump in with both feet, not really caring if you'd drown or hit hard ground because all you cared about was being with him. No, you're not being stupid. You know that it's not going to be easy, messy even. you know that you're going to get hurt, somewhere along the line. You know that it won't last. You know nothing lasts forever. And you know that when it ends, you'll be miserable. In fact, you know that you'll be miserable even as it starts; missing him like mad when he's not around, fretting over small things like unreplied messages, or late calls, not doing things right or having this tremendously ugly mood when you don't see him. But you don't care...

Joshua and I talked about this, even when we were friends and had no idea that were thinking about each other the whole time. We talked about, well, LOVE, and i can tell you that 99% pf this post reflects his take on the subject too. Basically, we got each other. So when we finally got together, we never used that word. Well, I did tell him that I really, really like him, that much I know. I don't expect him to say it to me or vice versa.

Until one afternoon, driving in his car and we got to talking (we always got to talking about a lot of stuff, partly why I love being with him), and we talked about marriage... (trust me, we weighed things enough and turning of events to get to that topic) and I said - not asked - "Do you love me?" in a way that I was trying to make my point. Without saying a word, he moved closer, pulled me close, held me tight, kissed my forehead, for the longest time I could remember... And for a moment there, everything just stopped, and faded away... And I had tears in my eyes, partly because I was happy I was feeling that way again after all these years, and the other part, scared of something like that ever had to end... And nothing beats that... Nothing...

Nothing lasts forever. but I know that image of me and him in the car that afternoon, that moment, that feeling, will. I'm at that point again folks, where I know I'm falling and yet, I let me be... This will end someday. That, I know. But I hope with all my heart that 10 or 20 years from now when I open my old journals like this one to reminisce the past, it will be the same guiy I'll still be talking about... And I hope with all my heart too, that by that time, I'll be able to say that four-letter-word to him at any given time or place, without fear or anything else, but meaning it, with everything I am.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

In Spite of It All

Christmas and New Year celebrations are over. And I didn't think I'd get through it. Although, I did cry (ON STAGEEEEE...) the moment the countdown started and we were singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas..." and in the case of New Year, I cried the moment I saw my family members waving at me through the phone screen and Baby Sam (who's not a baby anymore) screaming asking, "Kanapa kau???", seeing me covering my mouth crying. And yea, that's a progress, Sam speaking in Malay, hillarious.

I know the true meaning of Christmas is supposed to be beyond all the hu-ha people overrate it with. But to me, the very basic thing about it is having your family members near, expecially when that's how it's been for the past 22 years of your life.

But in spite of it all, i mean, all the sadness i've been babbling about being alone on Christmas and New Year's Eve, I was made happy by: my fellow band crew who miss their family and friends just as much as i miss mine; the bartenders who had to work extra hours and lesser pay, not only during the course of preparation and aftermath, but on the day of celebration itself; customers who themselves might have been in Casablanca for the celebration because they, like me, couldn't get home. But most of all, it's him, the lucky bastard who managed to steal my heart just in time for Christmas, and gave me his in return. Thanks to him, the two wondrous occasions weren't so bad after all. In fact, it was happy indeed. Hey, lucky bastard, just remember to return my heart back when it's time for me to leave Bintulu k. Ha ha.

But I must admit it, in the midst of all the greetings, hugs exchanged, the loud music, the cheering, the people, the dancing and singing, I see my family. And nothing makes me happier than knowing that they too, in spite of it all, are dancing and singing, cheering and hugging. I guess it's not really about physically being there with them, or them with me. =)

Cheers all, and may 2008 had been a good year for you, as it had been for me, and 2009 brings you more good things to come, as I hope it may be for me.