Monday, February 23, 2009

Yours Truly

Nothing lasts forever. I know that. No matter how much you feel for a person, it will end, one way or another. People always leave, for better or worse. Either way, it will end because of dying sparks, or dying, or old age, or other complicated issues... That's why when I met Joshua, who thinks the same thing, we both agreed on a temporary relationship. I mean, aren't they all not permanent?

We became friends, and things were great even then. But who could deny it when attraction plus comfort when they exist between two people and then suddenly being just friends doesn't seem to be enough enough anymore, right?

Things were great even when we were friends, and they're even better when we're together. But knowing our chances, me leaving anytime when my contract ends, him having have to stay here because of work, we know the odds of being together. That's why we agreed on "Let's just be together till we have to part ways," which is kind of silly when you really think about it, you know, trying the waters? Believe it or not, we even reserved a break-up song. it's really not because we look forward to breaking up (or parting ways - a term he prefers to use), but because we know that hoping for or even having the idea of forever is ridiculous, yes, talking by experience.

We spend a lot of time together. And by each moment we spent, he just makes me want him my life more and more. Separating suddenly becomes a dreadful idea. What initially was meant to be a 7-month-fling becomes... something deeper... and how I hated that. I was meant to try the waters, now I've gotten in TOO DEEP...

I vowed a long time ago not to use the word 'LOVE' to describe what I feel towards someone anymore - excluding my ever beloved mom, sisters, brother and best friends. In addition to that, I prevent others from using that word too when they're with me. If any guy - or girl for that matter - wants to use that word with me, go ahead, but be warned that it's very unlikely for me to say it in return, at least, not when i don't mean it... and to mean something like that ain't easy.

You might think that i'm being bitter about the whole relationship thing. Note that i did not say I do not BELIEVE in LOVE. I do. What i don't believe is people. I've had my fair shares of ups and downs to know that the word itself brings more meaning that people think they know. And it's such a shame how people, couples just use that word like a 'HELLO', simply saying, 'Love you, baby' without weighing the word carefully, even to describe lust.

it's such a big word to use... one that's suppose to describe something that would surpass time, trials, challenges, changes, difficulties, mistakes, seasons, everything... If I'm ever going to say it again to someone, or hear someone say it to me again, I would want that person to really think about it, like, would that still be the way he feels about me when things get ugly between us, or when he find out about me ugly past, or when I'm old and wrinkly and not so attractive anymore... would he? Would I still feel that way about him? it's easy to be so fond of a person when things are right... but what if they change?

The last time I told someone I love him - meaning it, taking every single word seriously, like every letter matters, weighing the word really carefully, as in really thinking will I still feel that way about him even when things had changed, even if we've physically changed to be uglier, or if everything else had altered, was a really long time ago... I even forgot how that feels anymore. maybe I've said it once or twice since then, for the sake of saving the relationships... But not the way I felt back then. Not that I remembered.

Since then I've avoided getting involved. Don't get me wrong. The physical part was really easy. It's giving your heart involved that's scary; the part where you just let yourself fall, jump in with both feet, not really caring if you'd drown or hit hard ground because all you cared about was being with him. No, you're not being stupid. You know that it's not going to be easy, messy even. you know that you're going to get hurt, somewhere along the line. You know that it won't last. You know nothing lasts forever. And you know that when it ends, you'll be miserable. In fact, you know that you'll be miserable even as it starts; missing him like mad when he's not around, fretting over small things like unreplied messages, or late calls, not doing things right or having this tremendously ugly mood when you don't see him. But you don't care...

Joshua and I talked about this, even when we were friends and had no idea that were thinking about each other the whole time. We talked about, well, LOVE, and i can tell you that 99% pf this post reflects his take on the subject too. Basically, we got each other. So when we finally got together, we never used that word. Well, I did tell him that I really, really like him, that much I know. I don't expect him to say it to me or vice versa.

Until one afternoon, driving in his car and we got to talking (we always got to talking about a lot of stuff, partly why I love being with him), and we talked about marriage... (trust me, we weighed things enough and turning of events to get to that topic) and I said - not asked - "Do you love me?" in a way that I was trying to make my point. Without saying a word, he moved closer, pulled me close, held me tight, kissed my forehead, for the longest time I could remember... And for a moment there, everything just stopped, and faded away... And I had tears in my eyes, partly because I was happy I was feeling that way again after all these years, and the other part, scared of something like that ever had to end... And nothing beats that... Nothing...

Nothing lasts forever. but I know that image of me and him in the car that afternoon, that moment, that feeling, will. I'm at that point again folks, where I know I'm falling and yet, I let me be... This will end someday. That, I know. But I hope with all my heart that 10 or 20 years from now when I open my old journals like this one to reminisce the past, it will be the same guiy I'll still be talking about... And I hope with all my heart too, that by that time, I'll be able to say that four-letter-word to him at any given time or place, without fear or anything else, but meaning it, with everything I am.