Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Angry Bith Project - Day 17 (28 August)

it's been another 5 days that i missed updating this project. and couple of things happened that i can't mention here. why? i read somewhere that one of the things that we shouldn't do is to post anything that we definitely don't want to read about in the future, or could be read by others.
then it got me thinking, what's this blog for then. and as of this very moment, i'm effing pissed that i don't know how to type capiital letters using this damned blackberry. fark.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 12 (23 August)

Mundane. Tho when I first started out on this job, the very thing that I'm doing made me feel like shooting myself on the head, by now it's becoming... ordinary. Is that good? Or bad? Well, it's good that I kind of know what to expect and do now. But the fact that I kind of know what to expect and do now is... bad. Ya, the repetition is done on purpose because it means exactly that. And man don't I just love to be redundant.

AnyWAAAAAAAAAyyyyy... The tea-forsaken laptop is still below my desk and I wonder what is the admin planning to do with it. I'm starting to think that they're hiding it from the powers that be so that they can save me from being screwed.

So here's the thing. Day 12 started out well with everything going smoothly like every other day. But if I were to write this post at the evening of Day 12, I would have started it off differently; full of anger and anger.

Upon coming home from work and picking Micah up from the nursery, I dropped by the house to pick Sam up and just bring them jalan-jalan. We went to Servay and I bought some necessities. Sam - who's got the Angry Bird fever, saw an Angry Bird bag and wanted me to buy it for her. In my sane state of mind I thought it would be nice to buy something for my beloved lil sister. Besides, she LOVES the bag. After buying some stuff, we dropped by the gas station and I reloaded my car fuel full. Micah started getting all cranky and whiny and kept crying. I got sooooo annoyed that I shouted, no, SCREAMED at him to shut up. Again, i went ballistic. At my son. And then Sam kept asking questions so I screamed at her. It's that angry bitch again.

I look back at what happened and I feel disappointed at myself. What worries me most is how my son views me as his mom, and as a person...

Sigh...

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Angry Bitch Project - All 11 Days That I Missed!

Crap. I missed 11, ELEVEN days of the project. I was in Bintulu (sigh.. I miss that place) for the first 3 days i missed updating this blog.. Managed to post an update only for the first day. By the second day, I was exhausted. Read: family, kid, emceeing for a full-day event two days in a row. And on Tuesday, I return to work. And when it comes to work, it just doesn't end anywhere. By now, I might just fail myself in this test to overcome the angry bitch syndrome. See, I'm already angry at myself for not being consistent. Bodoh eh.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 2 (14 August)
Since this project is mainly about my anger and bitchiness, let's just shorten it up and focus on that, aite? So generally, I don't remember being angry at anyone or anything. I was emceeing for a three-day event (hence the flight back to Bintulu, sponsored by the Parkcity Everly Hotel, whose event I was emceeing for, the Wedding Fair 2011), and Micah was mostly with his dad and his grandparents. I love that lil guy and miss him when I don't see him. But not having him around also means less shouting around and heart attacks. Haha. Had him around for breakfast and lunch tho, with Joshua and dear friends Eric and his wife, Debbie. Micah was pretty hyperactive and ran around. The only thing that upset me was not being able to have my meals in peace or eat as much as I wanted to coz of Micah. But I didn't keep the grudge for too long.
All in all, it was fine. I mean, I was back in Bintulu, nothing could upset me. =)

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 3 (15 August)
The day my son and I were going to fly back to KK, and everything went well, until Joshua said no to my request asking him to bathe Micah. And I automatically transformed into the Angry Bitch. I didn't answer him, slammed the door behind him, and even shouted at him like he's a dumb 7-year-old (he can be sometimes). I guess that the first time I got angry since I started this mission. And that was only the THIRD darn day. But if it's any good, I did talk to him again like nothing happened an hour after that. That's good right? It would usually take me the whole day and a lot of cussing. =D
Reaching home, my brother and Sam picked us up at the airport, and I probably was once again struck by the sadness of leaving Bintulu, my second home and where my second family is.. But i guess the hardest part was parting with my other half, and seeing my son cried out for his Papa when we left... Sigh.. I always hate that part, and with heavy heart comes a negative emotion, subconsciously vented towards others. And that's what happens between my mom and I these days. I'm just always angry at her. In my mind, I blame her for making me move here too soon, way ahead what my husband and I planned for, forcing us to live apart for a period of time. And I hate that I'm always angry at her. I love my mom truly. She's probably the only one who will never give up on me and will always forgive me for any shot I do to hurt her. And I don't want to be mad at her. That's partly why I started this 30-day mission, in an effort to control my emotions better... I have to stop being so angry, especially at my mother. What she did was wrong. But since I'm already here, I might as well appreciate what I can.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 4 (16 August)
Getting back to work on a Tuesday after a 3-day trip back to Bintulu, definitely sucks. My mind was not at work and there was (and still is) a whole load of shit to do. I motivated myself by listening (and singing along) to Queen's Underpressure on the way to work. Ha ha. It's especially helpful when you sing to it with hand gestures and facial expressions with a make-believe audience. No one was annoying so I survived work. Went home and Micah was cranky. =( I hate it when he is because that's the most annoying part of all annoying things. When he's cranky, he cries and cries and cries and screams at me like I'm supposed to understand what he wants. And the thing is, I bet he doesnt' even know what he wants because he's barely 2 years old. Oddly, as I'm writing this, I thought of my mom and how she's always trying to make the choices for me... because I bet she bets her daughter doesn't know what she wants. Hmm... More on that later.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 5 (17 August)
Today, I found out that my external hardisk crashed. Virus from Joshua's laptop (I'm sure of this because the hardisk won't open after plugging off from his laptop). All my photos - ALL my photos, are in there. Went to the little Low Yatt of KK to ask around, and got all the same answers I got from everyone else who might know of such problems - no, you can't retrieve the data. Angry? Go figure.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 6 (18 August)
After arguing with mom on whether or not I should send Micah to the nursery - and this goes back to the time before we moved back from Bintulu, when she said I would be able to save on nursery money as she can look after my son while I work but two months later complaints about not being able to take part in her church activities because she had to look after her grandson - I finally decided that I'm sending Micah to a nursery nearby, Taska Mentari. But I had to anyway as the house is undergoing renovation, and all the dust that goes around would be bad for him. Of course, he cried as soon as I wanted to put him down for his new teacher to take over. And just like the first time I had to send him to a nursery at the age of 6 months in Bintulu, driving to work I kept wishing I don't have to do that - praying for the day that my husband earns 10 grand a month so I can quit my job or that I'll find and have the guts to work from home and still earn much to make a living.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 7 (19 August)
An interesting evening took place the night before. It was the Thursday our company organized a farewell dinner for two of our staffs who were leaving; Alric and Ashley. We had it at the English Tea House, and the food sucks. Big time. It's the worst lasagna and shepard pie I've ever had, and I wasn't the only one who thought so. That alone, is a reason to be angry. But that wasn't the highlight of my anger. It was at the after-party. I'm not sure how much damage is it gonna cause mentioning this in my blog - it involves an ex. Though I should not worry because my husband knows about this and I tell him every little thing. But it could be bad if the people involved actually read this; which I doubt. So... here goes nothing!
Boy meets girl, like each other, and going through the process of establishing a real relatiopnship. The only problem is, both are attached to other people. And the bigger problem is I think, the PDA. I dated this guy a looooong time ago and there's no emotional attachment left. But we've been good friends ever since. Eventhough there's nothing left there, it still has to be awkward for me. Even more so when the girl is a colleague of mine and is engaged to someone else. And this is probably why I wasn't the only one who's not so keen of the hogging scene at the club that night, nor the idea about them being together. Everyone was uncomfortable. And so, me being the i-always-have-to-let-out-what-i-think-and-feel bitch, texted him, and I texted him goood. Basically, i was asking them to take it somewhere private, but it probably sounded meaner than that. So he's pissed, and I got even more pissed, and the text prolonged to become an email, and it was a nasty conversation. He charged me guilty of rallying everyone to be on my side to destroy him. Angry? U bet.

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 8 (19 August)
After such an interesting twist of events, the day after must have been awkward for some. I was feeling pretty ordinary. Thanks to carefully watching my alcohol consumption. Some of us weren't so lucky and drank too much too soon and ended up looking... silly? But all is good - at least i like to think so. Work was pretty mundane and all I wanted was to go home and sleep. But darn it, there's a Breaking of fast ceremony that we needed to attend. Other than the minor annoyance of being made to attend something when I'd rather speed off and go home, anger was nowhere in the picture. Cheers to Day 8!

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 9 (20 August)
Before I start complaining about today, I'd like to wish a dear old friend of mine, Haslin. Tho I'm 100% sure he doesn't read this. Haslin was my colleague at the Borneo Post - ya the newspaper I worked for a brief 9 months before furthering my studies at UiTM. And befriending Haslin meant i got myself a big brother for life. Enough said. I'm lucky to have known him and I pray that all good things are lined up for him and his wife, Jaswinder - his soul mate and best friend whom he just married after about 12 years of relationship (awwwww..) - throughout their lives...
Anyway, it's a Saturday and the best part about an event-free weekend is that i get to spend it fully with Mr Micah. It's not 24-hours of rainbows and butterflies - it's more of 24-hours of biscuit crumbs and hints of Vitagen drinks in your hair, face, & shirt - but I love it when he laughs and calls out, "Mommy, see, Mommy," and (attempts) to do the sommersault.
Until...... he spilled tea all over my laptop. Scrap that, it's the company's laptop that they let me use for work. My 8-year-old sister, Sam, pandai-pandai bring a cup of tea over to the room, NEXT to the laptop and Micah knocked it over and the rest is history. I screamed like an angry female dragon and beat both of them with a hanger with all my heart. I just lost it. All i remember thinking at that time was it's the company's property and I'm responsible for all the damage. Just imagining how much it'll cost to repair it and the blame I had to carry for destroying a company's property that they entrusted to me, drove me crazy. I went ballistic. Packed the laptop, brought it to Karamunsing where they fix such tech probs, and was told that the damage done could be beyond salvation. I went home praying that the worst will not happen... tho not before I bought something with the hope it would make me feel better. It didn't.
Come nightfall, I put him to bed and went out with close friends from Bintulu who were in KK for a night to check out the band at the infamous White Room club - these friends work in the hotel line. Oh and also managed to visit a best friend, Gole, at her place and had about 2 hours of chat - which i miss doing - prior to meeting friends at the club. Sometimes i wish i get to spend more time with friends. But most times, i just wish I get to spend more time with my bed and bolster. =p

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 10 (21 August)
It's a Sunday and oh how I wish I get to call it a Lazy Sunday... But i'm a working mom. So if I'm not working, I'm spending time with my kid. And though I love him to bits and he is the reason that I live for, sometimes I wish I get to choose when can I eat and bathe and nap and just be bored. Instead, I live by his time and mood. But I wouldn't change it for the world. He makes up for the shitty parts by hugging me and kisses my forehead out of the blue. =') My son...
Plus, the problem with the laptop. I woke up with a skip of the heartbeat remembering about it. To confirm my fear, I called up the tech center and yup, they confirmed my biggest fear - the motherboard hangus. To fix it, it'll cost something close to a grand. So i took the laptop home, looking to ask the company's admin on what better way - if there's any - can this problem be fixed.
So, it wasn't a fruitful day. But I'm glad I looked past my anger by nightfall the day before and went through today with laughter and openness - que sera, sera, I told myself. And though there's much worry inside my head, I had much love and joy with Sam, Micah and the rest of my family. Cheers to that!

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 11 (22 August)
Woke up thinking, "Amy, the worst that could happen is they fire you. They won't kill you. So you'll still be alive and have the opportunity to live life and look for greener pastures elsewhere." That, and, "You can always go back to Bintulu... Bintulu? Yes, Bintulu!" So got dressed and dropped Micah off at the nursery and went to work. Kasi tabal muka and told Fanny of admin, "Laptop hangkang. Kana siram teh. Hangus motherboard."
"Hah???"
"Yup..."
*Worried face* "Pakai event department punya dulu lah. Nanti saya panggil orang fix."
"Ok."
Phew! Glad that went well... But I did ask if I need to pay for anything or at least have the company take some sort of action against me for damaging a company's property. Fanny told me to chill, use another company's laptop and we'll figure out what can be done. I'm still waiting for what could become of me and my future of working in this company. But like I said, "Que sera, sera... Esso e va bene."

More later!

p/s: I only got to post ALL of this, today, because I was catching up with each day, juggling work, Micah, and THIS, and only managed to finish everything today. But I only got to catch up, or even did, was because I found out that somebody actually READS this. Thanks to my great friend, Audrey. That bitch... Ha ha... But I love her to bits for that and for so many other reasons. And I miss her.

Friday, August 12, 2011

The Angry Bitch Project - Day 1

Aha!

I managed to find the time to post something a day after I posted something. That, for me is already an achievement, after years of not being able to do so. So, kudos, Amy Dangin!

Anyway, Day 1 of the Angry Bitch Project is not so bad. In fact, niente is bad about it because today we flew back home to Bintulu! Yeay! Yes. everything went perfectly well. no hiccups (thus far, and I hope it'll stay that way longer).

Seeing my son met and hugged everyone back here is just amazing. Not only that, just the simple fact of coming back, awes me... And not forgetting to mention, meeting The Man, (laki sa lah... sepa lagi...) Hehehe...

Anyhoos, Day 2 went well, congratulations Amy D!

Till tomorrow,
Angry Bitch

p.s. This trip is Parkcity Everly Hotel's kindly sponsored trip. They brought me home to emcee for their event, The Wedding Fair, and paid for everything, including an awesome hotel room and all the food we want to eat. Awesomeness!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Angry Bitch

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
Charles R. Swindoll quotes
(American Writer and Clergyman, b.1934)

Among friends, I was generally known as a happy-go-lucky, cheerful, free-spirited person (or was it I'd like to think so?). And ya, I like to believe that this is true. So despite the choppy waves i had to come across in life, I tried to be as positive as I could and I can safely say that I succeeded. That kind of attitude got me through life pretty well, hence, the faith I have in the quote "Life is how you look at it and act on it", which is by me (Eherm! Haha, sempat lagi bah kan). But it's true.

Some years, more challenges, a marriage and a baby later, I'm today a much angry person. I snap like a swift swordsman at anyone (ANYONE including and especially my husband, my mom, my son, friends, turtle-slow and blur waitresses at restaurants, que-jumping drivers, criss-crossing drivers who don't signal, etc). I mean, i get REALLY angry. It started after giving birth (I think), which according to books i read is normal and would go away after the postpartum depression period is over. But two years later, I'm still an angry bitch.

At first it seemed normal and it didn't worry me. I was probably waiting for that postpartum depression to be 'over', but it never was over. I just keep being mean. And now, i'm worried.

I've always hated the way I'm always angry, but unconsciously defend myself that it's because of the hormones, surrounding, other people, etc - basically it's continuous blames on something or someone else... and that it can't be helped... And I comfort myself by thinking that someday somehow there'll be a solution. So I'll just be 'naturally' angry.

And then yesterday I came across this quote by Swindoll. And i remembered about how I used to look at life; free-spirited, carefree, happy, and simply the ability to be able to see the silver lining in every cloud, and the strength and gratitude in challenges. And I asked myself, "What happened to you?"

"... life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it." And I have faith in this because I was that person before, and it's been proven true. Because life hadn't been great for my mom, siblings and me. But we pulled through because we were able to laugh about it no matter how shitty it got. And I miss that.

And so, from today onwards, 11 August 2011 (Thursday), I challenge myself to a 30-day trial of the Attitude Towards Life test. Having said that, I'll be posting a post a day reporting on what are the shits that I'll have to go through each day and how I managed to (or not) get through them. Let's see what happens after 30 days. =D

Cheers,
The Angry Bitch

p/s: The post title is kind of funny considering everyone's into the Angry Birds nowadays, no? HAHA! No? Oh, nevermind.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Pemalas

Seriously Amy, just how hard is it to consistently update your blog??? Ugh...